It’s OK, everyone! I’m alive! I know you were worried.
Posted: November 13, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: bugging out, dirt, drought, future, guns, water, whee! Leave a commentWow. What a week.
I haven’t been able to get to my computer to post here for a few days because I was living a crazy adventure.
It started when some of my neighbors and I decided to dig a well in our apartment building. We were digging away, singing work songs like the Seven Dwarves when we uncovered a map that was covered in strange writing.
We took it to a scholar to have it translated for us.
But he was napping, so we just got a few more friends and did the best we could to figure it out. We were underground, and only had a few crappy candles to light our way.
The strange writing turned out to be Spanish, an exotic foreign language that you’ve probably never heard of. One of my neighbors, whom we call “Mouth,” did the best he could to translate. The map was leading us to the treasure of a nefarious pirate named “One-Eyed Willie,” which is an astoundingly phallic name.
“Eww.”
We found a lot of brightly lit caves and this bucket.
“I think we should split the bucket 6 ways.”
In the end, we gave up on our adventure because we couldn’t figure out how to divide the bucket. But at least we got the well dug– Oh wait. Never mind.
So I was gone for a while looking for a One-Eyed Willie, but now I am back, unlike Chester Copperpot.
So what’d I miss? Oh right! The state of California continues to dry up. Not only that, but people have become dirty dirty thieves.
That’s right, it’s total lawlessness here now. The lack of water has driven people mad with thirst and we’re all riding dusty horses and shooting each other down in the street in front of the saloon. I should probably get a gun.
I guess it would be inevitable, right? How about this one:
Desperate people will do desperate things. I’m especially sad for the poor defenseless hydrants that are being so enthusiastically plundered.
But not everyone is a jerk. Remember these?
I actually saw a couple of these in the wild. I wanted to get a picture but I was too busy driving my car.
Stupid car.
Does anybody really know anything?
Posted: October 20, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, brick, drought, future, municipal government Leave a commentAccording to the three-month forecast released Oct. 16, drought is expected to improve in California’s southern and northwestern regions, but improvement is not expected until December or January. The remainder of the state is expected to remain unseasonably dry.
Well, how ’bout that? According to this report posted by the Association of California Water Agencies (ACWA), we residents of Southern California (SoCal) are going to get a respite from the Dry this winter but everything still basically sucks (SNAFU) and we should all just get drunk (FUBAR).
There’s nothing in the report about alcohol. I lied.
It is nice to know that the sun will NOT come out every now and then for a couple of months, but it’s already TOO LATE! For Heaven’s sake, there are people plopping bricks into their toilets! It’s MADNESS!!
Ok. So we know that the drought is going to keep being “a thing,” but do we know why it exists in the first place?
The answer: not really.
I mean, sure, it could be that global warming thing you’ve heard about, but apparently it could be something else, or nothing, or two other things minus a thing and with a little something left over, if you know what I mean.
And if you don’t know what I mean don’t worry, I don’t know either.
But we’re doing the right things, right? I mean, we’re all pulling together and making this world work with less water because we’ve seen the light and the wisdom of our experience is making things better, right?
Uhh, not entirely.
“It’s almost like our solutions are problems.”
Arrrrgghh!!
Finally when I saw this article I thought “YES! FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS” (I think in shouts) but then I read the article (that was my first mistake) and as it turns out, desalination has some drawbacks, like it’s verrrrrrry expensive, as in it’s cheaper to buy bottled water at Costco for everybody.
There are other environmental consequences too, damage to marine life for one, and the discharge is saltier seawater that doesn’t really “mix” with regular seawater.
No mixing.
Well, I’m feeling salty now so time to find a bar.
I think this pretty much sums up the whole drought situation
Posted: October 17, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: brick, domestic life, drought, future, municipal government, water 2 CommentsWe aren’t helpless, there are things we can do to fend off the Great Drying.
For example, what if we all just dropped a brick in our toilets?
“BOOM” added for emphasis.
Apparently we can just plop a brick into the toilet and save water because the brick will take up space and make it possible to fill the tank with less water, depending on how huge your brick is.
I don’t know about you, but I am struggling right now to not insert a string of jokes about “bricks” and “toilets” and “hygiene,” jokes that are overflowing in my mind, like a toilet bowl might if one mistakenly drops a “brick” in the bowl instead of the tank. Which has happened to all of us at one point or another, so don’t be ashamed.
As water supplies continue to thin, I expect this campaign will reinvent itself as a “2-brick” campaign and then a “3-brick” campaign and finally a “put a brick in your neighbors toilet also” campaign.
Not that I’m criticizing! I personally have disconnected my toilet and go to Starbucks for my Morning Boom.
Brick not pictured.
Any campaign to save water and any way that we can recognized our poor water use habits and amend them is a good thing. Which is why I’m so interested in the election coming up next month.
Not the national election, I mean, sigh. But the local races for state senate, etc.
As a single-issue voter, I would like each candidate to speak aloud a “test phrase” that I have painstakingly created to assess their credibility and leadership skills in the difficult times to come, a phrase that whoever wins the election will be saying frequently at some point in the next year or two. I would like them each to say it now in advance of the election so I can get the full measure of how they will handle the apocalypse crisis that is bearing down on us like a brick in a storm drain:
“Be sure to bury your feces at least six feet deep.”
Where will YOU go?
Posted: October 16, 2014 Filed under: Bugging Out!, Escape from LA, Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: apocalypse, bugging out, drought, future, prepper 1 CommentAs the clock ticks down to the Great Drying I and dozens of other people like me (I assume) have started to think very hard about our escape plan once the water runs out.
There are only so many directions available.
The obvious choice seems to be to head west towards the blue area because that means it’s wet. Wrong! That’s salt water! You can’t drink that, silly! It causes your brain to swell until it explodes or something, like in that movie “Scanners.”
I couldn’t find a screenshot from Scanners that I liked, so I went with one from a different horror film.
Another possible option is to head south, maybe even as far as to the foreign land of Long Beach, where there is no beach, at least not one I’ve ever seen. Also, I’ve been down there exactly once. They do have an Aquarium, which again, sounds like a good place to find water BUT NO! SALT WATER AQUARIUM!
AHHHH!! MY HEAD!! SO SALTY!!!
But if Great Drying climaxes at the right time of year you could maybe grab a Formula One car and use it to get the f*** out of town. They get good gas mileage, right? Aren’t they all hybrids or something now?
But where will your fuel efficient hybrid Formula One car take you? Should you go east towards the desert? Or perhaps north into the barren wilderness of the Angeles National Forest. Possibly the only National Forest where you are equally likely to come across either a murder victim or a bear.
Police sketch of the suspect
Also apparently the Angeles is full of witchcraft and marijuana fields, which may appeal to some people, but I prefer to get my occult inebriation the old-fashioned way, sniffing bat guano off of an inverted crucifix while Stevie Nicks plays softly in the background.
But really it would be better to leave the state altogether:
What looks homey to you?
According to this detailed map I found, there are five possible destinations for refugees fleeing the Drought.
- A) Canadian rain forest
- B) Abandoned missile silos
- C) Different oil fields (we do have our own here, sadly they must be abandoned)
- D) The beach
- E) The famed “Yellow Submarine”
While any of these options would be a good pick, I want the best one, preferably with the largest collection of Stevie Nicks music, or perhaps Stevie Wonder music.
In Hollywood though, the plan is pretty clear where to go:
Swimming pools have lots of water.
Deodorant will become expensive
Posted: October 15, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Remember the shower?, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, domestic life, drought, future, municipal government Leave a commentHi there!
Well it’s been another dry day here in the Golden State and, if you’re like me, you didn’t shower.
When I was younger, the act of not showering was a lifestyle choice, something to do to impress girls (didn’t work). But now, not showering is rapidly becoming just a fact of life. This is due, of course, to the fact of no water.
However, this is a currrent reality only in some areas of the state. In the rest of California showering is still possible, but, depending on your ZIP code, not for much longer.
The upside, if there is one, to this slow spiral into the abyss of becoming like Arizona is that we will all, each and every one of us, not be able to shower. Then NO ONE will be able to turn up their nose at me.
My prediction is that within the next couple of years we will all smell so funky that perfumed handkerchiefs will be back in style, stock in deodorant companies will skyrocket, and let’s not forget about Febreze. PLAN ACCORDINGLY.
Lastly, here’s a link to a Salon article about the importance of saving California’s most water dependent species, which I assumed was humans. But as it turns out they mean fish or something. Go figure.
Wow! A 500 year event!
Posted: October 14, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, drought, future, prepper 1 CommentMother Jones has an article that highlights how this Drought could be the worst in 500 years!
So, great job everybody!
I’m going to go outside and celebrate by piling dry, dusty rocks into the numerals “500” and then stick some birthday candles into it! I would light them, but it’s pretty dry today (again) and I think I might set the air on fire.
But seriously, I think we should all be proud to live in these, the End Times. I mean, at least it’ll be really interesting, if not pleasant. And the Preppers will finally get their money’s worth of all that stuff they’re hoarding. So good on them.
I imagine the future contains a barren wasteland (some would say that’s LA now) but I don’t mean an intellectual or cultural wasteland, I mean like a really dry place with no water or plants and lots of dust. And zombies. Probably. And those gigantic sandworms that always live near the spice.
While it’s true that this LA times piece argues that California’s economy will weather the Drought no matter what, I think we can safely ignore that idea. After all, that’s just an opinion piece.
Do you remember rain? Yeah, that was cool.
Posted: October 10, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: drought, future, sand, whee! Leave a commentMore good news for the wine grapes of California. The state is expected to not get rained on this fall. This is a good article, except for the intense depression that results from reading it, but still you know, well written.
Also it’s got an awesome Dry Lake Bed Porn slideshow at the top of the page. You haven’t seen a floating dock sitting on dry cracked mud until you’ve seen it shot by an artist. Seriously, though, it’s good. Again, except for the depression.
In other news, this is what my neighborhood currently looks like
There’s a Whole Foods behind that second dune.
I’m kidding of course. The humidity in the above photo is way too high.
LOS ANGELES IS DOOMED!!! 