We’ve got some bad news, and some bad news.
Posted: November 21, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: apocalypse, drought, municipal government, religion, water Leave a commentFirst the bad news. The Great Drying is still underway.
“Abysmal” is a big word that I don’t understand, so I looked it up. Here are some additional search suggestions from from the helpful folks at the internet:
“Abysmal dawn” seemed like a very weird suggestion. So I had to look it up.
Well, it turned out to be kind of fitting for the whole theme here.
The surprise is that this whole album is Willie Nelson covers.
I didn’t know that death metal was a thing anymore, then again, I never knew anything about death metal to begin with. But I think I got a handle on the meaning of “abysmal” without having to look anything else up. Incidentally, that album cover is just a photo taken though a car window along Interstate 5.
So the year (that starts in November, of course) isn’t starting well. So what? There will be more rain, right? We’re all going to get through this right? We don’t have to do anything DRASTIC, right?
Ewwww! Never mind. I guess I won’t be going to Comic-con next year. This story appears in a few places on the web but I like the one on the Guardian website because the comments are so classy:
As irritating as this kind of gloating over others’ misfortune is, you can’t really blame this person for agreeing with God. We all know what happens if you disagree with Him/Her:
Thou shalt not not concur.
Well there’s gotta be something to balance all this bad news out, right? Maybe one more click will find us some good news!
Not the pick-me-up I was looking for. In fact, this guy is mad at everyone.
If you live in an area that hasn’t really felt the effects yet, lucky for you. You get to waste water that other parts of California desperately need. The government has apparently decided that half measures (or quarter measures, more accurately) are enough. No real rationing here, just gentle reminders to, you know, not let your runoff spill into the gutters.
Damn gub’mint.
But also: There should be mandatory rationing starting right now. Everyone privately agrees that this is necessary, but it’s so darned unpopular. Politicians are afraid of being caught in some drought backlash. People will want to blame someone, as people often do.
Damn people.
And we are planting thirsty crops. Those almonds, for instance, beloved by people in the Central Valley, heavily promoted — they drink water like water. And, you know, they’re almonds. Would you rather have an almond or a peach? Would you really care if you never saw another almond again? And yet they are still being grown, although in lesser quantities than before.
Damn almonds.
In typing that, I have become part of the tide of public opinion that is turning against irrigators.
Yeah, just the other day some friends of mine and I got a mob together and went and attacked an almond farm with pitchforks, but just like the headline says, those plucky almond farmers fought back.
I’ll water my almonds with your BLOOD!
Luckily we were able to get back into our school bus and get away.
It’s OK, everyone! I’m alive! I know you were worried.
Posted: November 13, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: bugging out, dirt, drought, future, guns, water, whee! Leave a commentWow. What a week.
I haven’t been able to get to my computer to post here for a few days because I was living a crazy adventure.
It started when some of my neighbors and I decided to dig a well in our apartment building. We were digging away, singing work songs like the Seven Dwarves when we uncovered a map that was covered in strange writing.
We took it to a scholar to have it translated for us.
But he was napping, so we just got a few more friends and did the best we could to figure it out. We were underground, and only had a few crappy candles to light our way.
The strange writing turned out to be Spanish, an exotic foreign language that you’ve probably never heard of. One of my neighbors, whom we call “Mouth,” did the best he could to translate. The map was leading us to the treasure of a nefarious pirate named “One-Eyed Willie,” which is an astoundingly phallic name.
“Eww.”
We found a lot of brightly lit caves and this bucket.
“I think we should split the bucket 6 ways.”
In the end, we gave up on our adventure because we couldn’t figure out how to divide the bucket. But at least we got the well dug– Oh wait. Never mind.
So I was gone for a while looking for a One-Eyed Willie, but now I am back, unlike Chester Copperpot.
So what’d I miss? Oh right! The state of California continues to dry up. Not only that, but people have become dirty dirty thieves.
That’s right, it’s total lawlessness here now. The lack of water has driven people mad with thirst and we’re all riding dusty horses and shooting each other down in the street in front of the saloon. I should probably get a gun.
I guess it would be inevitable, right? How about this one:
Desperate people will do desperate things. I’m especially sad for the poor defenseless hydrants that are being so enthusiastically plundered.
But not everyone is a jerk. Remember these?
I actually saw a couple of these in the wild. I wanted to get a picture but I was too busy driving my car.
Stupid car.
RAINFALL CAUSES MASS HYSTERIA IN LOS ANGELES
Posted: November 3, 2014 Filed under: Escape from LA, Exclusive News, Los Angeles will explode | Tags: brick, domestic life, drought, survival, water Leave a commentThey say the weather does strange things to people.
It was a dark and stormy Friday night, and the falling rain caused thousands of crazed people to completely lose their minds on the streets of West Hollywood.
Chaos in the streets.
No really, it did rain on Friday night, look at this shot from the same photoset.
Does anybody remember where we left the Ark?
It would seem that in order to get it to rain, one needs to have a parade. Same thing in San Francisco, where the Giants World Series Celebration was a bit damp.
The weather did not stop rain-drenched fans from turning up in droves as a procession including Giants players, coaches and staff and others affiliated with the team or the city made its way down Market Street in downtown San Francisco. The parade ended at San Francisco’s Civic Center where mayor Ed Lee presented the team with a key to the city.
YES!! GIVE THEM THE KEY!!
It is possible that some West Hollywood revelers were celebrating the Giants’ win too.
Give them the key I say also.
Possible, but I doubt it.
The good news here of course is that it rained. IT RAINED! IT RAINED! THE DROUGHT IS OVER!!
Crap.
What? But it RAINED! Water fell from the sky. Surely this means we are out of the drought and I can finally flush the toilet, right?
Rainfall totals in Southern California were also modest. The weather service said rainfall totals were less than a half-inch in the Los Angeles Basin. Camarillo got .71 inches, and that was enough for mudslides that damaged several homes and caused temporary evacuations. The Ventura County Fire Department said it had to rescue one resident.
Less than half an inch? But but but… didn’t they see the rain-soaked hysteria in the streets?
Hysteria.
Evidently not. I guess a half inch of rain isn’t enough to fill my bowl. I guess I’ll have to get another brick.
Can’t just let it go.
Posted: October 30, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: drought, water Leave a commentWe all want to save water and yet we all want pretty yards. Looking about for water saving tips I stumbled upon this terrifying headline.
What? Are you NUTS? I mean, sure they’re sexy and have wings and only wear bikinis no matter what the weather is like but they’re BLOODSUCKERS. Why would you want one of THESE around for any reason?
Succulent.
But as it turns out, I was confusing the winged bikini demon woman with this:
We will cut your water bill.
Still scary.
Getting rid of plants is now big business here in the Droughtland. Of course, it is too inexpensive to just let them die, here in America we prefer to buy something to take their place. Succubusseses are one way to do it, another is just to get a Brady Bunch lawn.
It does however seem kind of silly to water the artificial grass. Turns out, that’s not water he’s spraying.
Ewww. I think I’d rather just have a dirt yard for the dogs to pee in.
Finally, though, we’ve got a handle on this thing. That’s because the most powerful force in the world has decided to do something. Someone more powerful that the Federal Government and the Pope combined.
Who am I talking about? Advertisers.
The campaign seems to revolve around these signs:
Sort of a “F*** you I’m letting my grass die FOR THE HIGHER GOOD” sign to post in your yard.
Frankly, it’s a good idea. If there’s one thing we’ve learned today, it’s that we’re all very self-conscious about our plants.
Brown State
Posted: October 27, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: domestic life, drought, water Leave a commentI get it. You have always dreamed of visiting the Golden State. You have always wanted to hike through the giant redwoods to see the Hollywood sign. You have wanted to lay nude on the beach in Malibu until David Geffen’s private security goons chased you away. You have always wanted to stand at the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge taking in the fog and count how many concerned passers-by asked you if you were about to jump.
Well, great news for you! The Drought isn’t affecting tourists… much. Sure, you may have to ask for water at restaurants, and the pool might be empty, but then again that might not have anything to do with the Drought:
Also at Hearst, the stunning Neptune Pool remains dry – at least in part because of the drought (and also because the state doesn’t have the money to fix a leak in the pool).
Either way, obviously check to make sure the pool you’re about to dive into does in fact contain water. But we’re still the Golden State, right?
Waterfalls weren’t as robust at some of our stops, including McWay Falls and Pfeiffer Falls, both in the Big Sur area. In addition, the color of the landscape as we traveled south was a uniform shade of brown.
Okay then. The Brown State it is.
The Official Vehicle of the Brown State.
But here in the Brown State we grow lots of food! As much as 25% of the food in the nation! Wow! I know because I saw it colorfully explained here along with a bunch of other infographics containing factoids you can unleash in cocktail-party conversations to appear smart and well-read (although it didn’t work for me, I just came across as pedantic and strident). In fact, according to the infographics I saw, the problem isn’t a lack of water, it’s that there’s too many plants!
Via: TakePart.com
Or something like that. The upshot of course is that when it’s raining enough, no one cares, but when it stops, suddenly everything is wrong.
Yes, that was Deep. You may take a moment to let it wash over you. Go on, I’ll wait.
Great! You’re back with a newfound appreciation of my depth and intellect and so now I’ll tell you something that will BLOW YOUR MIND:
I think this has to be complete BS. I mean I don’t have any data to back up my ignorant opinion, but even so I am a Bloggist on the Internet and I have the RIGHT to make up my opinions OUT OF THIN AIR THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
It all sounds like a conspiracy to me, “Oh it’s true we don’t have AS MUCH food to feed you, but this food that we DO have is SPECIAL MAGIC food that will be BETTER for you, so that’s almost the same thing.”
So the secret to food with higher nutritive value seems to be “stress.” Ok, I can stress some food out.
Scream all you want, little strawberry. Your pain is so NUTRITIOUS!
Ugh, I am a monster.
Beer needs water too.
Posted: October 23, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: domestic life, drought, survival, water Leave a commentNBC News has a report out on how the Great Drying is taking its toll on what is arguably America’s most important resource.
It’s beer, you dummy.
Yes, even the mighty Anheuser-Busch company is struggling with the Drought, because apparently beer without water in it is just a pile of stuff.
It’s barley, you dummy. That’s in beer, right?
I don’t know how to make beer. I did once attempt to use a home-brew kit, but all I managed to create was an odor.
“Beer has to have water,” said Luis Cayo, general manager for the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Los Angeles, which has survived many droughts over the last 60 years. “The amount of water in a standard can of beer is about 92 percent.”
92% does seem about right. I’m guessing that means “light beer” must be about 102% water. But what really caught my eye is this:
…the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Los Angeles, which has survived many droughts over the last 60 years.
Two things.
- There is a brewery in town! I should go check it out, although since L.A. is so big that means it could still be like 100 miles away.
- The brewery survived “many” droughts over the last 60 years, so there’s hope after all, despite the fact that this is a once in 500 year drought. But I personally haven’t been through any droughts at all before this so I’ll count on the Budweiser plant to lead the way.
How do they do it? How have they survived all these droughts (little droughts by comparison, we’ll call them “droughtlets”)?
At the Budweiser plant, Cayo said the company has started using reclaimed water to clean tanks. It also ripped out landscaping and replaced it with drought-tolerant plants: “Believe it or not, it saved about five million gallons of water.”
Five million gallons? What kind of f***ing plants did you have?
Anheuser-Busch Home Tree.
I’m pretty sure I would have noticed a tree that large while I was driving around, so I’m thinking this report is total BS. I mean, think about it, just to cut it down would have taken thousands of lumberjacks. Where are they? I haven’t seen any.
Oh right. Actually I see these guys everywhere.
But it’s not just the big boys that are having problems wetting their beer.
It’s not just beer giants like Bud that are struggling to make beer with less water. California’s fast-growing craft brewing industry is having the same problem.
I am old enough to remember when beers brewed by little breweries were called “microbrew” and I loathe the term “craft beer.”
Now where was I? Oh yeah, all you kids get off my lawn!
It’s called a MICROBREW!
Anyway, the microbrew craft beer guys make a good point.
“I mean, can you imagine a drought like this going over the next 10 years?” he asked. “I think you’re going to see a lot more than breweries leaving this area. You’re going to see your major agriculture areas picking up and going somewhere else.”
See? I’m not the only one thinking this way.
I guess I’ll switch to wine.
The short, stubby arm of the law
Posted: October 21, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: domestic life, drought, municipal government, water Leave a commentThey’re on to you.
You think its no big deal to wash off your driveway with a hose. Sure, you could get a broom and sweep those pesky leaves away, or you could get out your 250 hp leaf blower that sounds like a horsefly got trapped inside a megaphone placed in front of a microphone during a heavy-metal concert soundcheck and whoosh those leaves away. But that’s no fun. Not when you can use the hose.
You think its no big deal that you water your yard twice a day so that it maintains that amazing lush green quality here in the desert. You don’t even really think about it because the sprinklers are subterranean, automatic, and on a timer that’s set to “deluge” just before the sun rises and just after it sets.
There is a small river that flows from your yard down the sidewalk, down your neighbors driveway and into the gutter every morning, but that’s no big deal.
Well I’ve got news for you, buddy-boy, the water cops are going to get you!
And when they do, they’re going to haul your butt to jail!
A check of his laptop showed that the residents had not been cited before, so instead of a fine of up to $500, they would get a warning. On a second offense, they would have to attend a meeting on how to save water. Third time, a fine.
I mean, when they do, they’re going to issue you a warning! And if you keep doing it, they’re going to send you to water use reform school. And if you STILL keep doing it, THEN they MIGHT EVENTUALLY fine your butt!
If you keep this up, eventually I’m going to fine you. Someday!
As the drought grinds on, I’m glad to know that there is an army of dedicated folks out there at the behest of the city to catch these scofflaws, these water wasters, these guzzlers of gallons, these … thoughtless people. I mean come on! This is the view out my window right now.
So with this army of — wait, what?
L.A. has kept one water cop on the beat full-time since the state’s last big drought in 2009, but it added three more this summer after the new statewide regulations went into effect.
There’s four of them? Los Angeles is over 500 square miles! Los Angeles can swallow other cities whole!
There are four water cops.
If you get rid of me, someone else will just take my place, and if you get rid of them, someone ELSE will take THEIR place, and if you get rid of THEM, then we’ll be down to our last one so please don’t do that.
As a fallback, cities are relying on people to rat on each other:
The Southern California city of Long Beach is offering residents a water-waster app for their smartphones, making snitching quick and easy by allowing users to report neighbors and businesses for hosing down sidewalks, watering during the heat of the day or having a break or leak in their water lines.
This kind of rat-out-your-neighbor policing is made more palatable because mobile technology is being used. So it’s not so much that you’re tattling on your scofflaw neighbor whose lawn you envy, it’s kind of like you’re in a sort of punitive version of Facebook and you’re just “liking” their punishment.
You will pay.
I can’t wait for the IPO.
Does anybody really know anything?
Posted: October 20, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, brick, drought, future, municipal government Leave a commentAccording to the three-month forecast released Oct. 16, drought is expected to improve in California’s southern and northwestern regions, but improvement is not expected until December or January. The remainder of the state is expected to remain unseasonably dry.
Well, how ’bout that? According to this report posted by the Association of California Water Agencies (ACWA), we residents of Southern California (SoCal) are going to get a respite from the Dry this winter but everything still basically sucks (SNAFU) and we should all just get drunk (FUBAR).
There’s nothing in the report about alcohol. I lied.
It is nice to know that the sun will NOT come out every now and then for a couple of months, but it’s already TOO LATE! For Heaven’s sake, there are people plopping bricks into their toilets! It’s MADNESS!!
Ok. So we know that the drought is going to keep being “a thing,” but do we know why it exists in the first place?
The answer: not really.
I mean, sure, it could be that global warming thing you’ve heard about, but apparently it could be something else, or nothing, or two other things minus a thing and with a little something left over, if you know what I mean.
And if you don’t know what I mean don’t worry, I don’t know either.
But we’re doing the right things, right? I mean, we’re all pulling together and making this world work with less water because we’ve seen the light and the wisdom of our experience is making things better, right?
Uhh, not entirely.
“It’s almost like our solutions are problems.”
Arrrrgghh!!
Finally when I saw this article I thought “YES! FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS” (I think in shouts) but then I read the article (that was my first mistake) and as it turns out, desalination has some drawbacks, like it’s verrrrrrry expensive, as in it’s cheaper to buy bottled water at Costco for everybody.
There are other environmental consequences too, damage to marine life for one, and the discharge is saltier seawater that doesn’t really “mix” with regular seawater.
No mixing.
Well, I’m feeling salty now so time to find a bar.
I think this pretty much sums up the whole drought situation
Posted: October 17, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: brick, domestic life, drought, future, municipal government, water 2 CommentsWe aren’t helpless, there are things we can do to fend off the Great Drying.
For example, what if we all just dropped a brick in our toilets?
“BOOM” added for emphasis.
Apparently we can just plop a brick into the toilet and save water because the brick will take up space and make it possible to fill the tank with less water, depending on how huge your brick is.
I don’t know about you, but I am struggling right now to not insert a string of jokes about “bricks” and “toilets” and “hygiene,” jokes that are overflowing in my mind, like a toilet bowl might if one mistakenly drops a “brick” in the bowl instead of the tank. Which has happened to all of us at one point or another, so don’t be ashamed.
As water supplies continue to thin, I expect this campaign will reinvent itself as a “2-brick” campaign and then a “3-brick” campaign and finally a “put a brick in your neighbors toilet also” campaign.
Not that I’m criticizing! I personally have disconnected my toilet and go to Starbucks for my Morning Boom.
Brick not pictured.
Any campaign to save water and any way that we can recognized our poor water use habits and amend them is a good thing. Which is why I’m so interested in the election coming up next month.
Not the national election, I mean, sigh. But the local races for state senate, etc.
As a single-issue voter, I would like each candidate to speak aloud a “test phrase” that I have painstakingly created to assess their credibility and leadership skills in the difficult times to come, a phrase that whoever wins the election will be saying frequently at some point in the next year or two. I would like them each to say it now in advance of the election so I can get the full measure of how they will handle the apocalypse crisis that is bearing down on us like a brick in a storm drain:
“Be sure to bury your feces at least six feet deep.”
Where will YOU go?
Posted: October 16, 2014 Filed under: Bugging Out!, Escape from LA, Los Angeles will dry up | Tags: apocalypse, bugging out, drought, future, prepper 1 CommentAs the clock ticks down to the Great Drying I and dozens of other people like me (I assume) have started to think very hard about our escape plan once the water runs out.
There are only so many directions available.
The obvious choice seems to be to head west towards the blue area because that means it’s wet. Wrong! That’s salt water! You can’t drink that, silly! It causes your brain to swell until it explodes or something, like in that movie “Scanners.”
I couldn’t find a screenshot from Scanners that I liked, so I went with one from a different horror film.
Another possible option is to head south, maybe even as far as to the foreign land of Long Beach, where there is no beach, at least not one I’ve ever seen. Also, I’ve been down there exactly once. They do have an Aquarium, which again, sounds like a good place to find water BUT NO! SALT WATER AQUARIUM!
AHHHH!! MY HEAD!! SO SALTY!!!
But if Great Drying climaxes at the right time of year you could maybe grab a Formula One car and use it to get the f*** out of town. They get good gas mileage, right? Aren’t they all hybrids or something now?
But where will your fuel efficient hybrid Formula One car take you? Should you go east towards the desert? Or perhaps north into the barren wilderness of the Angeles National Forest. Possibly the only National Forest where you are equally likely to come across either a murder victim or a bear.
Police sketch of the suspect
Also apparently the Angeles is full of witchcraft and marijuana fields, which may appeal to some people, but I prefer to get my occult inebriation the old-fashioned way, sniffing bat guano off of an inverted crucifix while Stevie Nicks plays softly in the background.
But really it would be better to leave the state altogether:
What looks homey to you?
According to this detailed map I found, there are five possible destinations for refugees fleeing the Drought.
- A) Canadian rain forest
- B) Abandoned missile silos
- C) Different oil fields (we do have our own here, sadly they must be abandoned)
- D) The beach
- E) The famed “Yellow Submarine”
While any of these options would be a good pick, I want the best one, preferably with the largest collection of Stevie Nicks music, or perhaps Stevie Wonder music.
In Hollywood though, the plan is pretty clear where to go:
Swimming pools have lots of water.
LOS ANGELES IS DOOMED!!! 