Can’t just let it go.
Posted: October 30, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: drought, water Leave a commentWe all want to save water and yet we all want pretty yards. Looking about for water saving tips I stumbled upon this terrifying headline.
What? Are you NUTS? I mean, sure they’re sexy and have wings and only wear bikinis no matter what the weather is like but they’re BLOODSUCKERS. Why would you want one of THESE around for any reason?
Succulent.
But as it turns out, I was confusing the winged bikini demon woman with this:
We will cut your water bill.
Still scary.
Getting rid of plants is now big business here in the Droughtland. Of course, it is too inexpensive to just let them die, here in America we prefer to buy something to take their place. Succubusseses are one way to do it, another is just to get a Brady Bunch lawn.
It does however seem kind of silly to water the artificial grass. Turns out, that’s not water he’s spraying.
Ewww. I think I’d rather just have a dirt yard for the dogs to pee in.
Finally, though, we’ve got a handle on this thing. That’s because the most powerful force in the world has decided to do something. Someone more powerful that the Federal Government and the Pope combined.
Who am I talking about? Advertisers.
The campaign seems to revolve around these signs:
Sort of a “F*** you I’m letting my grass die FOR THE HIGHER GOOD” sign to post in your yard.
Frankly, it’s a good idea. If there’s one thing we’ve learned today, it’s that we’re all very self-conscious about our plants.
Los Angeles Announces Historic Deal to Import Water From Narnia
Posted: October 24, 2014 Filed under: Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: municipal government, water Leave a commentLOS ANGELES – City officials along with the administration of the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power today announced an agreement with the fictional kingdom of Narnia to import millions of gallons of water to the parched Southern California city.
Mayor Garcetti said in a news conference at City Hall that crafting an agreement with the fictitious land created by author C.S. Lewis was difficult at first.
“We had to find Narnia in the first place, which was hard because the doorway to it moves around and jumps back and forth in time. But we managed to eventually locate it in an old wardrobe in the spare room of a manor in the English countryside,” the Mayor said, quickly adding that he “didn’t find it personally.”
“The Kings and Queens of Narnia were very generous and have guaranteed us water to see us through this debilitating drought,” the Mayor continued.
“I plan to take a long shower tonight,” he added with a chuckle.
Reached for comment by LosAngelesIsDoomed.wordpress.com staff, Narnian spokesfaun Mr. Tumnus said that the Narnian population was just “tickled” to be able to help out.
“We have an excessive amount of water,” Mr. Tumnus said, “Some of the Dryads and Naiads are complaining about the pipes, but other than that everyone is behind the plan completely. Even the woodland creatures!” He then pranced away on his little goat hooves carrying a cute little umbrella.
A Department of Water and Power spokesman remarked that the most difficult part of engineering this new pipeline is fitting it all through the door of the wardrobe and then piping it out of England across the Atlantic and across the United States to California.
“We had to move out all these old fur coats first, and the doorway is only so big,” he explained while gesturing with his hands, “and it’s a reeeaaaalllly long pipe, but I’m confident that the whole system will be operational by early 2032.”
The short, stubby arm of the law
Posted: October 21, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: domestic life, drought, municipal government, water Leave a commentThey’re on to you.
You think its no big deal to wash off your driveway with a hose. Sure, you could get a broom and sweep those pesky leaves away, or you could get out your 250 hp leaf blower that sounds like a horsefly got trapped inside a megaphone placed in front of a microphone during a heavy-metal concert soundcheck and whoosh those leaves away. But that’s no fun. Not when you can use the hose.
You think its no big deal that you water your yard twice a day so that it maintains that amazing lush green quality here in the desert. You don’t even really think about it because the sprinklers are subterranean, automatic, and on a timer that’s set to “deluge” just before the sun rises and just after it sets.
There is a small river that flows from your yard down the sidewalk, down your neighbors driveway and into the gutter every morning, but that’s no big deal.
Well I’ve got news for you, buddy-boy, the water cops are going to get you!
And when they do, they’re going to haul your butt to jail!
A check of his laptop showed that the residents had not been cited before, so instead of a fine of up to $500, they would get a warning. On a second offense, they would have to attend a meeting on how to save water. Third time, a fine.
I mean, when they do, they’re going to issue you a warning! And if you keep doing it, they’re going to send you to water use reform school. And if you STILL keep doing it, THEN they MIGHT EVENTUALLY fine your butt!
If you keep this up, eventually I’m going to fine you. Someday!
As the drought grinds on, I’m glad to know that there is an army of dedicated folks out there at the behest of the city to catch these scofflaws, these water wasters, these guzzlers of gallons, these … thoughtless people. I mean come on! This is the view out my window right now.
So with this army of — wait, what?
L.A. has kept one water cop on the beat full-time since the state’s last big drought in 2009, but it added three more this summer after the new statewide regulations went into effect.
There’s four of them? Los Angeles is over 500 square miles! Los Angeles can swallow other cities whole!
There are four water cops.
If you get rid of me, someone else will just take my place, and if you get rid of them, someone ELSE will take THEIR place, and if you get rid of THEM, then we’ll be down to our last one so please don’t do that.
As a fallback, cities are relying on people to rat on each other:
The Southern California city of Long Beach is offering residents a water-waster app for their smartphones, making snitching quick and easy by allowing users to report neighbors and businesses for hosing down sidewalks, watering during the heat of the day or having a break or leak in their water lines.
This kind of rat-out-your-neighbor policing is made more palatable because mobile technology is being used. So it’s not so much that you’re tattling on your scofflaw neighbor whose lawn you envy, it’s kind of like you’re in a sort of punitive version of Facebook and you’re just “liking” their punishment.
You will pay.
I can’t wait for the IPO.
Does anybody really know anything?
Posted: October 20, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, brick, drought, future, municipal government Leave a commentAccording to the three-month forecast released Oct. 16, drought is expected to improve in California’s southern and northwestern regions, but improvement is not expected until December or January. The remainder of the state is expected to remain unseasonably dry.
Well, how ’bout that? According to this report posted by the Association of California Water Agencies (ACWA), we residents of Southern California (SoCal) are going to get a respite from the Dry this winter but everything still basically sucks (SNAFU) and we should all just get drunk (FUBAR).
There’s nothing in the report about alcohol. I lied.
It is nice to know that the sun will NOT come out every now and then for a couple of months, but it’s already TOO LATE! For Heaven’s sake, there are people plopping bricks into their toilets! It’s MADNESS!!
Ok. So we know that the drought is going to keep being “a thing,” but do we know why it exists in the first place?
The answer: not really.
I mean, sure, it could be that global warming thing you’ve heard about, but apparently it could be something else, or nothing, or two other things minus a thing and with a little something left over, if you know what I mean.
And if you don’t know what I mean don’t worry, I don’t know either.
But we’re doing the right things, right? I mean, we’re all pulling together and making this world work with less water because we’ve seen the light and the wisdom of our experience is making things better, right?
Uhh, not entirely.
“It’s almost like our solutions are problems.”
Arrrrgghh!!
Finally when I saw this article I thought “YES! FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS” (I think in shouts) but then I read the article (that was my first mistake) and as it turns out, desalination has some drawbacks, like it’s verrrrrrry expensive, as in it’s cheaper to buy bottled water at Costco for everybody.
There are other environmental consequences too, damage to marine life for one, and the discharge is saltier seawater that doesn’t really “mix” with regular seawater.
No mixing.
Well, I’m feeling salty now so time to find a bar.
Deodorant will become expensive
Posted: October 15, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Remember the shower?, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, domestic life, drought, future, municipal government Leave a commentHi there!
Well it’s been another dry day here in the Golden State and, if you’re like me, you didn’t shower.
When I was younger, the act of not showering was a lifestyle choice, something to do to impress girls (didn’t work). But now, not showering is rapidly becoming just a fact of life. This is due, of course, to the fact of no water.
However, this is a currrent reality only in some areas of the state. In the rest of California showering is still possible, but, depending on your ZIP code, not for much longer.
The upside, if there is one, to this slow spiral into the abyss of becoming like Arizona is that we will all, each and every one of us, not be able to shower. Then NO ONE will be able to turn up their nose at me.
My prediction is that within the next couple of years we will all smell so funky that perfumed handkerchiefs will be back in style, stock in deodorant companies will skyrocket, and let’s not forget about Febreze. PLAN ACCORDINGLY.
Lastly, here’s a link to a Salon article about the importance of saving California’s most water dependent species, which I assumed was humans. But as it turns out they mean fish or something. Go figure.
Wow! A 500 year event!
Posted: October 14, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: apocalypse, drought, future, prepper 1 CommentMother Jones has an article that highlights how this Drought could be the worst in 500 years!
So, great job everybody!
I’m going to go outside and celebrate by piling dry, dusty rocks into the numerals “500” and then stick some birthday candles into it! I would light them, but it’s pretty dry today (again) and I think I might set the air on fire.
But seriously, I think we should all be proud to live in these, the End Times. I mean, at least it’ll be really interesting, if not pleasant. And the Preppers will finally get their money’s worth of all that stuff they’re hoarding. So good on them.
I imagine the future contains a barren wasteland (some would say that’s LA now) but I don’t mean an intellectual or cultural wasteland, I mean like a really dry place with no water or plants and lots of dust. And zombies. Probably. And those gigantic sandworms that always live near the spice.
While it’s true that this LA times piece argues that California’s economy will weather the Drought no matter what, I think we can safely ignore that idea. After all, that’s just an opinion piece.
Do you remember rain? Yeah, that was cool.
Posted: October 10, 2014 Filed under: Los Angeles will dry up, Visions of Future Los Angeles | Tags: drought, future, sand, whee! Leave a commentMore good news for the wine grapes of California. The state is expected to not get rained on this fall. This is a good article, except for the intense depression that results from reading it, but still you know, well written.
Also it’s got an awesome Dry Lake Bed Porn slideshow at the top of the page. You haven’t seen a floating dock sitting on dry cracked mud until you’ve seen it shot by an artist. Seriously, though, it’s good. Again, except for the depression.
In other news, this is what my neighborhood currently looks like
There’s a Whole Foods behind that second dune.
I’m kidding of course. The humidity in the above photo is way too high.
LOS ANGELES IS DOOMED!!! 