A look ahead to the FUTURE OF DROUGHT.

To Begin:

(A drought haiku)

The sky is so blue

Clouds do not exist up there

Holy crap it’s hot.

People ask me, “What’s the best part about living in Los Angeles?” I always answer, “traffic” because I’m a dick but really that answer is wrong. The BEST part about living in Los Angeles is that in February I have to wear shorts and a sombrero in order to keep from being roasted alive when I go for a walk with my Valentine.

Be my Valentine.

Now, as much as I hate getting roasted alive, I put up with it because I like sunshine. Well the good news is there’s going to be a whole lot more sunshine in the future.

Uh, at least we get a few years to plan for it. Technology, right? By 2050 we should all be flying around with jet packs and eating those pills that take the place of an entire meal.

I really think we’re heading for a world where each region of the country basically has only one kind of weather. So that if you want to get a tan you’ll head to Los Angeles and if you want to cool off you’ll fly your jetpack up to Seattle and get rained on. That sounds a lot like how things are now but I’m saying that there will ONLY be ONE kind of weather in a given part of the world, and if you want to experience “weather” as an event you’ll purchase a ticket on a special tour to see the tornados that endlessly re-spawn on the plains of the Midwest and the blizzard that perpetually smothers the Northeast. Like the planets in the Star Wars universe which have only one kind of climate. The corner of the country that I’m in will be the future Tatooine of America. Boston will be Hoth. I predict Canada will say f*#& it and just put the whole country under a glass dome.

In Other News:

Drought-wise, things aren’t looking good here in LA, but our reckoning hasn’t come yet. You should be concerned about folks in Brazil. Those of you interested in what it might be like to be in a mega-drought in a mega-city might want to read up on the drought that’s kicking the teeth out of Sao Paulo at the moment.

Ugh… rationing. Seems so…World War II. And what do they mean when they say “recycle” water?

Oh God no.

Luckily there is also a view from Bloomberg to clarify for us:

Bloomberg Is Annoyed That You Can’t Read The Future:

It’s kind of like exactly like reading the opinion of a guy who knows life is simple because he figured it all out in the shower. Especially the part where he blames the lack of water in Brazil on … people in Brazil.

He stops short of calling Brazilians stupid for not getting it to rain more, then he concludes by lamenting their loss in GDP.

We at LosAngelesIsDoomed.com also write about the foibles of our political leaders and the utter lack of leadership on the water management issue, I just think, you know, for a English-reading audience around the world, when you’re talking about a historic natural disaster, you might want to mention, you know … the weather.

We’re All Human:

Seriously, send those folks your prayers, although what they probably want is water. Can you imagine? Not being able to wash your hands? Having to get water out of the sewer to flush your toilet? Drinking water out of a random pipe because it’s the only water available? We write here about drinking from a swimming pool and the absurdity of a green grass lawn in the desert, but in many parts of the world, drinking muddy water from a pipe in a gully is just what you do on a day to day basis. And in Sao Paulo, where they have running water, it comes with a steep learning curve.

Imagine the learning curve in Southern California if this drought drags on. We are depleting the groundwater at an alarming rate, the snowpack sits at a frightening 12% of normal at the end of the storm season. It’s not going to be too much longer before we’re flying public officials up here from Sao Paulo and asking, “Things are totally falling apart here. So, when there wasn’t any rain at your place and your infrastructure started to collapse, what did you guys do?”

In Conclusion: Questions and More Questions:

We are low on water. According to a quick internet search, water covers 71% of the Earth’s surface (I used to know things like that, but the internet age has made fact retention unfashionable.) Most of that is really salty though. There are no pools in my neighborhood either. If the tap runs dry, how will I water myself? Will President Hilary Clinton (seems inevitable at this point) truck water into my neighborhood? Will I become part of an impromptu neighborhood gang that guards the koi pond up the street from interloping water bandits? Will there be martial law? Will I drink more beer? How much will this beer cost? Where can I get some beer right now? Do you have any cash?

From the Department of Missing the Point

One refrain often heard in the halls of LosAngelesIsDoomed.wordpress.com is, “We’re all in this together!” Specifically it’s something that gets said when the staff gathers in our communal shower stall to share a 3-gallon bucket of water for our bi-weekly group bucket bath.

You’ll never get that image out of your head now. Sorry.

But we feel that our shower-time slogan is widely applicable to the rest of California when it comes to the drought. All we have to do is work together, and focus on our shared goal of conserving and managing the water we all share in order to ensure that our supply holds steady for as many people as long as possible.

It is a noble cause.

On the other hand, you get municipalities that are run by assholes like the ones this homeowner is dealing with:

It seems that city officials in Upland are kind of missing the point, or not noticing the weather.

UPLAND, Calif. (AP) – Fernand Bogman says he’s being a responsible citizen by not watering the grass at his San Bernardino County home during California’s drought.

But officials in the city of Upland say the homeowner is violating the law by keeping his lawn brown instead of green.

Wow! The NERVE  of some people! Not watering their own lawns! What a bad person! But come on, is it really against the law to not water your own yard? OF COURSE IT IS.

The homeowner is charged with two misdemeanors for failing to properly maintain his front yard and parkway space.

This kind of thing would seem ridiculous to me even if all the aquifers were full and the reservoirs were spilling over their banks and mermaids were lolling about in the streets. Really? That’s worth a big fine? There’s a guy in our neighborhood whose entire yard is just dirt and he’s not getting fined by anyone. And when I say dirt I don’t mean it’s dead grass, I mean smooth, even, packed, dry, brown dirt. No plants in sight. Not even a rock.

On the other hand, maybe law enforcement is closely monitoring this blog and are on their way to his house right now after reading this (if that’s the case, sorry Eddie) but I doubt it, because no one reads this blog.

I guess maybe if I were a property owner and the douche next door let his yard die and dragged my property values down I would get upset, especially since a brown, dry lawn is fertile ground for a street gang to set up a crack and meth dealing stand.

Gateway to a life of crime.

Think about it, do you ever see drug dealers selling their poison on a nice green lawn?

Even taking into account the possibility of a crack-dealing operation opening up on my dead lawn, it is beyond ridiculous to fine somebody for not watering when there is so little water. I guess not everyone has gotten the message that the Drought is upon us and that we should fall to our knees like wicked, thirsty sinners and pray for rain and/or snow. But how is that possible? Surely the Drought receives front page attention in all media outlets. Here, I found some links to similar important news stories on the same page:

Yes. As you can see, all the news here is important.

So anyway, this guy gets threatened with jail if he doesn’t water his grass, I guess he should switch to grapes.

If you don’t water your grapes you are an “artist” and if you don’t water your lawn you are a “deadbeat.”

“We don’t dry farm in order to save water,” Leeds said. “If we thought we could have more productive or healthier vines, we’d water. Yes, we’re concerned with the environment, but we make more flavorful grapes and more flavorful wine by farming organically and dry farming.”

I think this argument might work well for Mr. Bogman. He could say he’s not watering his grass so that it will produce more flavor.

This grass is so flavorful! It must have been dry-farmed!

Post Election Wrap Up Wet Wednesday

Wet Wednesdays are a special feature of LosAngelesIsDoomed.wordpress.com. We aim to provide you with gorgeous shots of what you can’t drink, flush, or shower with very much anymore. Enjoy!

(Warren Photographic)

(via deviantart)

And finally:

Things just got real.

Some of you think that this blog is all about doom and gloom, possibly because of the title. However, I’m not just fearmongering here, I’m providing, if not context, then context-like stuff to today’s serious debate on the Drought. If I were irresponsibly trying to whip the public into a frothy panic I would write stories like this one.

It’s like reading a horror movie. Check out this gem:

“If you drive around here, I could show you thousands of acres of abandoned avocado groves,” said Eric Larson, executive director of the San Diego County Farm Bureau.

Chilling. I envision this interview happening in a basement at night while the soundtrack from Psycho plays and lightning and thunder roil outside (in another part of the country, obviously).

Sorry, ma’am, there’s no guacamole.

Way to go guys, why don’t you just tell us that the Drought is giving us all Ebola?

In another terrifying story, it seems that the Drought is going to shrink the yield of our nuts.

Which is unfortunate, I like my nuts to yield as much as possible.

But wait there’s more! It seems that not only are we going to have no guacamole and unyielding nuts, we’re just plain going to be out of water, forever it seems.

Yes, the water that lives waaaay down underground takes a loooooong time to get down there so when it’s pumped out quickly, it’s basically gone. But wait, there’s something about this that seems familiar…

Hmmmm…. where have I seen that name before?

Oh right.

Yes, the Op-Ed piece that inspired this entire blog! It seems that I am not the only one who is inspired to put pen to paper by the words of Mr. Famiglietti, but this article actually includes lots of facts and stuff that I’m too lazy busy to read. Truly, Mr. Famiglietti is a man who deserves our adoration and respect.

Here, gaze upon him:

James Famiglietti – Patron saint of LosAngelesIsDoomed.wordpress.com.

That picture links to an article about drinking sewage, by the way.